Looking Back

I was looking at the story of Abraham and Sarah.  Sarah was up in years and God told them they would be having a child.  Now, I was completely overwhelmed at the thought of having a child at the age of 25 so, I cannot even fathom all that was probably going through Sarah's mind when God gave her this news.

I became a mom at the age of 25 then at the age of 26, then again at the age of 29.  I cried each time I found out I was pregnant because I was so scared that I could not handle it.  Each time after our daughters were born, I had postpartum depression.  Postpartum is so much more than the "Baby Blues".  I cried sometimes when I breast fed my daughters because I did not want them that close to me.  I became so scared when my husband would have to leave for work.  I cried SO much.  I cannot express enough to anyone who is dealing with this to get help. You are not the only one who experiences such sadness and anxiety after having a baby.  No, it is not normal, but it is not your fault this is happening.  It is your body working on adjusting itself to bring everything back to normal, but for some reason it cannot.  I was able to take medicine to help me, and I had an amazing support system in my husband.  It is hard to let others in when you are experiencing postpartum depression.  The shame and guilt can overtake you and you don't want to tell anyone out of fear.  Fearing that someone will see you as unfit and take your baby away from you because, even though you have the sad feelings, you still love your child.

I remember thinking that I would never be able to handle all that life threw at me.  In the midst of depression, I thought I would never make it through.  But, here I am almost 12 years later, still alive and doing well.  I have forever been changed because of postpartum depression.  I now have depression.  There are days when I cannot do anything but sit in my recliner and be sad.  Looking back, I see how God worked through me and for me.  I am sure that Sarah felt the same way after giving birth to her son, Isaac.  I am sure that you will feel the same way.  We all can look back and see God's work in our lives.  He has us in His hands and He is directing our paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).